For weeks I’ve felt unsettled. I’ve been anxious, sad, disinterested, hollow. I can function at home and at work, but everything I do is shrouded in this unsettled feeling.
I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. There’s nothing specific I can point to that’s causing it.
I know that I have so much to be thankful for. I have two wonderful children. I have a wife who loves me. I have friends, family. I’m healthy. I have a career that allows me to make a positive impact on the community.
So why am I feeling unsettled?
Is it me?
My father-in-law passed away in October. We were close and I miss him dearly. Is it grief?
My daughter was born less than a year ago. Is the exhaustion that comes with raising a baby catching up with me?
The crazy politics of the day have left me feeling lost and confused, like I don’t fit in anywhere. Has this pushed me to an unsettled place?
Work has been really stressful lately. But it’s always stressful. Now no more than usual, I guess. Am I burning out?
Is it something from my past? Something raw and unresolved that has somehow been triggered?
Or is this just another cycle of bad feeling? These cycles have come and gone my entire life. Sometimes they’re short, sometimes they’re long. Am I now stuck in a lengthy cycle of unease?
Regardless of the cause (or causes), this unsettled feeling is so unpleasant. I feel it in my chest, my head. I feel it flowing through my veins. A torrent of thoughts swirls in my mind and I’m unable to focus. My body is restless.
I wish there was something I could do to make myself feel consistently better. I’ve been eating right, going to sleep earlier. I’ve been spending quality time with my kids. I’ve been carving out chunks of time here and there to play music and write, which are hobbies that typically bring me joy.
Yet the unsettled feeling persists, day in and day out.
Recently I’ve tried to welcome this feeling. I try to accept it, not push against it. I treat it like a friend who has come to me in crisis. He is hurt and wounded and I am here to support him. We embrace, we chat. I listen. We have a nice time together although the mood is dark. Every once in a while we have a laugh about what’s going on, we find the humor in it.
But then the feeling doesn't go away and I find it hard to be so patient, so loving. I start to resent the unsettled feeling. It overtakes me again and I’m powerless. I feel pained, unlovable, uncool, unlucky, unhappy. I withdraw. I hurt.
This is the struggle. Not just to pass the days while the feeling is present, but also to accept it with warmth. To embrace it as part of who I am and to love it.
So today again I will welcome my friend in crisis and treat him with patience and kindness. I will help him explore why he’s feeling the way he feels and give him my love and attention and friendship. And tomorrow I will try my best to do the same.