I want to be a good person. I think I’m a good person. But what does it mean to be a good person?
Some of the basics make complete sense to me and I live by them as best I can. Treat others the way you’d like to be treated. Give more than you take. Be there for the people that are important to you.
But after that it can get complicated. Understanding what’s good and what’s bad, what’s right and what’s wrong, isn’t always so clear.
I see the world as highly complex and full of nuance. There’s very little that’s black and white and easy to define. Almost everything is a shade of grey.
All decisions we make involve trade-offs, where you benefit in some areas and lose out in others. Sometimes it’s obvious what to do, but in many cases it isn’t. You decide to work late to finish an important project but you miss out on seeing an old friend who was in town for just one night. You’ve accomplished something great, helped your organization be successful, and fulfilled your work duties. But you’ve also lost the chance to reconnect with a friend, someone who knew you when you were young and free. Who knows when you’ll get another opportunity to be together? Work and friendship are both so important. Finding the right balance is key.
At a much larger scale within societal structures like governments, it’s the same story. Decisions about how to organize society and what to prioritize are very complicated, they don’t benefit everyone equally, and they have uncertain outcomes. Let’s say a tax cut is being considered. If taxes are cut then people will have more money. Perhaps they’ll invest it to transform compelling ideas into industries of the future, which in turn will generate more tax revenue for government programs. But they also might just keep the money for themselves, leaving the government with less funding to alleviate the suffering of the poor and disadvantaged. What decision would a good person make?
Values are also shifting so rapidly these days. Thankfully, viewed across the long arc of history, the world seems to be moving slowly towards freedom and equality and opportunity for all, although it’s a daily struggle with fits and starts and regular setbacks. Many things that were widely opposed when I was younger are now widely accepted, like gay rights. It also goes in reverse: many common behaviors and attitudes from the past, like subtle and not-so-subtle forms of racism and misogyny, are now seen as cruel and inhumane. It’s crazy to me that it took millions of years of human evolution to right these wrongs of the past. However, it’s also clear that we have a long way to go on these issues as well as others.
I suspect that future generations will look back with horror on how we’re collectively treating the environment and our animal brothers and sisters today. As a generally unrepentant carnivore and a pretty typical American consumer, I’m no saint here. I recognize the issues, of course, and I do several things that are helpful like composting our food waste in a big pile in the backyard and vigilantly recycling everything I can, but I know I could do a lot better.
I treat others with respect, though. I’m a devoted father and husband. I also like to think I’m genuine and unselfish and trustworthy (although at times I fail to live up to my own standards). Is that enough to make me a good person?
Or, do I also need to dedicate myself to the freedom and equality of all humanity and not rest until that’s accomplished?
Do I need to be ideologically pure? (What does it even mean to be ideologically pure?)
And how can I live a compassionate life and support the people I love within a society that isn’t always fair without furthering the systemic and structural unfairness?
I ask these questions because I don’t understand what it means these days to be a good person. What do you need to do or be?
To me, so much of what makes someone a good person is how they handle complicated and difficult situations. A good person remains kind and decent, even in the face of adversity. A good person is reasonable and willing to consider all sides of an issue. A good person brings transparency, open-mindedness, empathy and generosity to their decision-making process. And if a good person makes a mistake, they own up to it and try to fix it.
But there’s one more thing, and this is very important. A good person loves their young children unconditionally. Children should learn at an early age that whoever and whatever they are is loved fully and completely, even when they’re angry or moody or endlessly crying. A loved child comes to understand that feelings come and go and are nothing to be ashamed of.
A loved child has confidence that they’ll continue to be loved because that’s all they’ve ever known. I believe that so much suffering in the world is related to chasing the love we should’ve received when we were younger. If we don’t feel loved for who we are then we doubt ourselves and we lose faith in life itself.
All of humanity benefits when children are loved unconditionally. It becomes a virtuous circle extending through generations into the future. A loved child becomes a loving parent. And loving parents teach their children how to embrace complexity and practice the golden rule wholeheartedly.
A loving parent is a good person.