I don’t think I’ll ever understand money. I get that it’s a tool that stores value, but how and why does it work? What gives these paper notes the power to be exchanged for real goods and services? I can’t wrap my head around it.
Money is a number in my bank account that rises and falls. I hardly ever use cash so there’s nothing to touch and feel.
It’s almost all by credit card now. But come to think of it, I rarely reach for my wallet and touch an actual card itself. Instead I have my credit card number saved online at the shops I frequent so I only have to press a few buttons to get what I want.
The number in my bank account goes up when I get paid on Fridays, and then it goes down when I pay my mortgage and monthly credit card bill. It goes down again when the electric bill is automatically deducted. Up and down, up and down.
It’s like a video game and I keep trying for a higher score. But what number is high enough?
I need to provide for my family. I want us to have a happy life and a secure future. I recognize that money plays such an important role as we use it to buy what we need to sustain ourselves. But there’s so much more to life, isn’t there? The most important things cost nothing.
Sometimes I think of doomsday and it freaks me out. Markets crash and everyone loses faith in the system. Money becomes value-less because nobody trusts it anymore. All the money we’ve saved for retirement is worth nothing. People still trade, but since money can’t be used as an intermediary you’ve got to find people that have exactly what you want and want exactly what you have. Every day is a fight. We focus on survival instead of comfort.
But that won’t ever happen, right? Unfortunately, I now see society unraveling as a real possibility. But I try not to think about it too much. Instead I keep trusting the system because that’s what gives money value and fuels the global economic machine. Money puts food on our table. Money also allows us to live our lives with free 2-day delivery and endless entertainment and everything else we take for granted like summer vacations and heated homes in the winter.
My relationship with money is much more tortured than I’d like it to be. For most of my life I’ve felt a deep unease and agitation whenever I spend it, especially when I buy anything I don’t truly need.
These strange and intense feelings around spending money started when I was younger. Even though everything I needed was provided by my parents, there was hardly ever any money for anything else. Spending money caused my parents stress and it caused me stress too. We didn't go out for ice cream. We didn't have cable tv. If we went to a restaurant, which we rarely did, I could order an inexpensive meal, but never drinks or sides. Spending money made me feel guilty and so I shied away from everything where money was a factor.
I vividly remember going to Ted’s Hot Dogs on Porter Avenue with my friend Mark and his family when I was about ten years old. I was the first in line and ordered a hot dog. I was shocked when Mark’s mom then tapped me on the shoulder and encouraged me to get a drink and perhaps fries or onion rings. So I got a loganberry and an order of rings and then we all sat outside in the warm Buffalo sun and ate our delicious food. And now here I am almost thirty-five years later and I still remember that feeling. Just to be able to order what I wanted at the local hot dog stand felt magical. But it also felt wrong in some way. It was a violation of the rules that had been instilled in me since I was a little boy. I didn't feel wasteful, but I did feel unworthy, undeserving. Other people were allowed to get drinks and onion rings but not me. But then here was Mark’s mom telling me it was okay, and she was clearly happy watching me as I delightedly devoured my food.
Now I’ve got kids of my own and I don’t want them to feel this overwhelming guilt about money. I’ve also been fortunate to have some professional success and money is not nearly as tight as it was when I was young. My son is eight and a big eater just like his Dad was. I’m glad to let him order what he wants when we go out to eat, which we do every once in a while (or at least we did before Covid). I also take my family on adventurous vacations, and I have several nice things that I enjoy. But I’m still frugal to the core, and I don’t think that will ever leave me.
The things that really matter in life don’t cost anything, or they cost very little. Spending time with friends and family. Being outside. Learning a new skill that allows you to express yourself more fully.
The fact that we’re all going to die dominates my thinking on so many topics, money included. You only live once. Your kids will only be young once. If you have money, spend some of it on experiences that make you happy. You’ll remember those times forever. Spend some of it on things that will make the people you love happy, because that will make you happy too.
Sometimes I feel old (I’m 44) and I never felt old until recently. At the same time I realize that right now I’m the youngest I’ll ever be for the rest of my life. When I see pictures from just a couple of years ago I see a much younger version of myself with younger kids and I look back longingly on the youth I had then. I know the same thing will happen a few short years from now when I’ll look back at the person I am today who was so much younger with more of a future to look forward to.
Life is short. Money matters. But the hours and days and years you have left on earth are much more important. Spend them wisely.