What if tomorrow morning I woke up and tried as hard as I possibly could all day long to be the person I most want to be?
I’d focus on what’s most important and keep away from the things that hold me back. I’d give it everything I had.
What if I did the same thing the next day, and the day after that?
My life would certainly change for the better pretty quickly.
I’d also no longer be on the sidelines wanting and hoping to become my best self. I’d be living it instead. That’s a huge difference.
And what if the whole world did the same?
What if every person on the planet committed to being the best version of themselves for the next 24 hours and then just kept at it into the future? Kind of like John Lennon’s Imagine coming to life.
The world would become a kinder and more collaborative place in an instant.
It sounds so simple, both on an individual and collective basis. All we need to do is decide to be our best and then commit to the daily practice.
But it’s not simple at all.
What does it mean to be our best? And why is it so hard to do it consistently, every hour, every day, every month, every year? Being our best is what we want, right?
I immediately think of visiting Disney World, which may sound ridiculous, but stick with me on this. Whenever I go there (and I do love to go there), I fully commit. I wake up early and get to the parks with my family as soon as they open. We ride rides and see sights and eat food with Disney characters and keep going and going until the fireworks at closing time. Every minute is used to the fullest, and when we finally get back to our hotel room we collapse. Then we do it again the next day. It’s exhilarating and totally exhausting at the same time. There’re also no regrets.
I remember asking Julie, “How is it that Disney World gets us to suck every last bit of enjoyment out of each and every second of each and every day? And why don’t I do this the rest of the time?”
In this case the answer seems clear. Going to Disney World is a special trip where you’re only there for a few days. It’s a ton of fun. It’s also really expensive. So we do our best to get the most out of it, and we go hard, really hard, until the trip is over. We know we can rest and recover afterwards.
In my daily life there are plenty of situations that seemingly resemble this. Work, for example, presents a daily opportunity to give my best. And I often do. I work as hard as I can, rarely taking breaks, trying to move projects forward and make the company successful. I exhaust myself and crash hard at night and then do the same thing over and over again.
But it’s not the same, is it?
There are many differences between these two scenarios (I earn at work, I spend at Disney; work keeps going and going but all Disney trips come to an end; etc.), but the biggest one to me is that when I’m at Disney I’m with my family. Spending time with them and making them happy is the most important thing in my life. So when we’re there it makes sense for us to go all out if that’s what will bring the most joy. Rocking the Magic Kingdom as if my life depended on it is perfectly aligned with me being my best self, because it allows me to do what’s most meaningful to me, which is being with family.
At work it’s a different story. My work provides for my family, which is so very important, but it doesn’t bring them joy, at least not directly. Being in the office also doesn’t allow us to be together. If I work long hours and use all my energy at work then I won’t have any left over when I get home to be with my wife and kids. So being my best at work might mean not being my best with my family. There’s a lack of alignment there that needs to be understood and addressed.
Finding the right balance is the key of course. We all know this intuitively. I need to work because I need to provide (and that’s how I pay for trips to Disney). I also want to be good at what I do so I can have a meaningful and rewarding career where I contribute positively to my community. I enjoy many aspects of my job too. But it’s not the most important thing for me, family is. If I let myself get consumed by work, which I’ve done too many times in the past, I’ll miss out on the things that I most cherish.
I need to prioritize properly. I need to find the right balance between work and family in order to become my best self.
It’s not just work and family that needs to be in balance, although for me that’s my biggest struggle. There are so many other facets of life, like friends, health, sexuality, creative expression, exercise and spirituality to name a few, that also compete for our time and attention. It’s impossible to be your best at all of them, or even most, because there are only so many hours in the day. To do one thing means you’re not doing literally everything else. What should we focus on?
Profound and immediate questions arise every morning when we hop out of bed. How should I spend my time and energy today? What do I choose to do? And how well will I do it? Answering these questions and making these choices, both consciously and unconsciously, is how we all end up carving out our path in life.
My approach here has changed dramatically in the past decade. Before my son was born, I was much more interested in achievement and getting things done. I prioritized work much of the time, including several years focused on really satisfying creative work, and I built a successful career. But I also wasn’t present, physically and/or emotionally, for some of the truly beautiful day-to-day stuff of life.
I now know that being super productive is not being my best if it’s not in the service of my family. These days I constantly tell myself to do less so that I have more time to just be.
So what does it mean to me to be my best self?
More than anything it means being a good person. It means being thoughtful and kind and backing it up with my actions.
It means being there for my family, helping them, spending time with them.
It means carving out a little time for myself on a weekly basis to pursue my creative interests and personal passions.
It means eating well, sleeping about 8 hours a night and exercising at least a little bit every day.
It also means improving the world in a small way through my work.
But how can I fit this all in? It can be so hard at times to just make it through the day, never mind ascending peaks of being my best self. Our bodies get sick and tired. Our hearts get overwhelmed and exhausted by life’s challenges. Sometimes I need to unplug and do almost nothing so that I have the energy to be my best tomorrow.
Our emotions can also overpower us. At times I get so frustrated or stressed that I find it almost impossible to focus on anything else, let alone all of the wonderful things in my life that always surround me. The stress courses through my veins and feels like it’s frying and fraying my nerves with heat and unease. I’m no longer a patient person who takes things in stride. I have a tough time not overreacting when things don’t go my way. It becomes extremely difficult to be my best or anything close to it.
So what will it take for me to commit to becoming my best self?
This is a question I want to answer soon because I only get one chance at this life. I also seem to know what I want. The clear challenge in my case is living it.
How would I spend my time if I was living my best life? Here’s what comes to mind:
I wake up early enough to do some exercise. I have coffee and meditate for 10 minutes. I help get Isa settled and drive Desmond to school.
I put in a hard day of work, but not so hard that I don’t have enough energy to be fully present at home. I take a few short breaks during the day to recenter myself. I make sure that my list of to-dos is never so long that I don’t have enough time to get it done without killing myself.
I treat everyone with respect, even the people who don’t deserve it. I always communicate as clearly and honestly as I can.
When I get home I put my work behind me and fully focus on my family. I savor our dinner of delicious home-cooked food. I go for a bike ride around the neighborhood.
I hang out with Julie, Des and Isa and then help get Isa down. I read to Des before bed and then read a little bit myself. I take stock of the beautiful moments that occurred during the day and am thankful for the good in my life. I turn in early enough so that I get eight hours of sleep.
On weekends I take time to be creative and free. I write, I dance. I find a nice balance between being with people and taking time for myself. I relax a bit but also put some time into the personal projects that bring so much meaning to my life, including this blog and teaching Des ukulele.
Guess what? When I read what I just listed I’m already doing most of it pretty consistently. I go all in as a dad and I love it. I make time for creative projects. I have a beautiful family and great friends.
At the same time my life feels unquestionably out of balance. I find myself unhappy much more often than I’d like.
To me this is because my life still tilts too far in the direction of work. I work too hard and bring home too much stress, and I oftentimes don’t have enough energy and enthusiasm left over for the most important things in my life. This needs to change.
I’ve got ideas about where to go from here, but no clear plan yet about how to be a great provider while dialing down the stress significantly.
This is the next frontier for me. It overwhelms me at times to think about but right now as I write this I feel more energized and empowered. I can and will do this.
Before I sign off, let’s spend a minute thinking about the true potential here.
What if I became my best self and so did the entire world?
What it we all made more choices in the best interest of the planet, like eating less meat, or driving less, or buying less crap?
What if we all found meaningful work that didn’t constantly overwhelm us?
What if we became comfortable living more modestly with smaller paychecks and more free time?
What if we all taught our children that they are loved for exactly who they are and that they will be fully supported to become their best self, whatever that is?
What if we all loved our entire selves too, showed compassion for who we are, including our limitations, and felt confident to pursue our best life?
It’s hard not to see all the good that would come to the world and everyone in it if these things happened even to a small extent. Why don’t we do it?
Let’s try to become our best selves, together. I promise to try harder starting now. But not so hard that I crowd out what’s most important.